Its been rather quiet around here lately.
Actually, I have been rather quiet lately.
I guess you could say, I have been struggling.
I don't even know myself. I wish I did. But really, its a number of things and when they stack on top of each other, it feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Perhaps I should have forewarned you that this post would be heavy. Sorry
I am not a depressive person. Never really have been. Always a glass half full kinda gal. Always have a little laugh to share and am generally a happy soul.
I like to think that those qualities are some of my best.
I am also extremely honest. Perhaps not my best.
A quality that is so longed for in a marriage or partnership, not so much in a friendship.
It seems that people don't want honest friends anymore.
They want puppets. Puppets on a string, that never say what they really think, never tell you how you have really made them feel, and never speak their mind when they, perhaps, don't agree with your opinion or point of view.
I think I am a good friend. Well at least I certainly hope I am.
I bake for catch ups, organise and invite for play dates (even if people don't reply or come) , cook meals friends in need, offer my services and help all the time and generally care about people.
And yet, all I can see when I look into their eyes , is hatred. Almost like, because I am such a strong person, that I can with stand anything, can be brushed aside, time and time again, and still be there when they can spare the time for me.
There is nothing worse for the soul than being sickly nice to someone, day in , day out, only to have them hardly acknowledge you. Hardly bothering to even say hello.
That will teach you Liz , for being honest.
But I don't really want to change. I can't change. I am who I am, if only it would sit better with me.
Don't worry, I know I am not the best friend either. I am opinionated, honest and a strong personality.
But I try my best.
Not many of my friends read my blog. Bitter sweet really.
I feel like this is my little space, to share and express, but it would be nice for them to take an interest in something that is important to me.
Because this little space I have created, with all of you, I'll have you know, is my little sanctuary.
Does anyone ever feel this way?
Plus .... as a Mum, I am sure you will all be nodding along here, the days tend to roll into one. If you aren't cleaning, you are cooking. If you aren't playing, you are refereeing. If you aren't cuddling you are disciplining.
Some days are tough, actually most days are tough, but its such a wonderful experience to be able to watch and aid in you children's development and lives.
I guess I am still adjusting (its only taken 18 months) to be a full time, stay at home Mum. I am so used to having work, having the thing that I am good at. Having a creative outlet and some 'me' time. And work is 'me' time for a Mum.
Full time parenting doesn't have set start and finish times, its a never ending work day. There are no toilet breaks, no lunch breaks and you can't even play the music you want, the volume you want in the car!! Or if you do, you can't hear it for the whinging or jabbering from the 4 kids in the back!!
I know that nothing I am feeling, is any different than anyone else , any other mother, I am just putting it into words, and boy is it feeling good!
Raising children is hard work. They are little mess makers. They wear clothes that you have to wash and iron and then put away. They eat food you have to prepare, cook then clean up. They play with toys, make and build things and then you have to pack them away. Its never ending. But .... its life.
Sometimes its good to have a melt down, have a cry, take it out on your partner ( sorry love ) and then as a good friend, and very smart lady said to me " Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and come back better and brighter", and that is exactly what I intend to do.
Life for me is busy at the moment. We have our house on the market, impending inspections and home opens, offers on blocks happening, searching for that perfect house plan, 2 year old testing twins, a baby who has just had chicken pox and now croup. It all adds up, and quickly! Everything seems to happen at once.
So if you are at home, and feeling a little blue. Feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, you are not alone. We are all in this together, and even when a Mum says she is fine and everything is wonderful, she would , in fact, be lying! ;)
And if you aren't feeling this way, you are lucky, but perhaps call or check in with that friend you haven't seen in a while, she may just need it x
Footnote: I am feeling much much better after my debrief here, no need to worry. Times like these happen. Call it character building, call it whinging. Either way, it makes the good days seem so much sunnier x